Facing Fatty's Biggest Fear in 8 Days!

Oh god... This long weekend I'm going to have to face something I've avoided almost completely since I was pregnant ...

I'm going to have to actually squeeze myself into a swimsuit.   SHIT!
Not only do I have to face my fatty's biggest fear, I have to do it while surrounded by women who look like they just stepped out of a damn swimsuit magazine!  My daughter's family is filled with really beautiful people who all work hard, make good choices and take care of themselves ... which is great ..

But that doesn't help my blubbery ass feel any better at all in my 10 year old swim suit that really didn't flatter me then .. and sure as hell isn't gonna help me out now that I'm 50 pounds more!


So I have 2 years of bad food choices (mmm I love cake soo much!), inactivity and fat to get rid of ... and I want to at least make a dent in this next 8 days.   Any secrets out there?

I'm down almost 30 pounds and have lost inches off... well off everywhere.  There is nothing on me that isn't an inch smaller or more than a month ago .... it's been a noticeable difference!

I've just decided that if the scale doesn't move, it's gotta be broken cause I can SEE and FEEL the weight coming off!  (lol .. yes I know all about muscle weighing more than fat ...I'm just impatient to see the scale move!)

I'm taking pictures as I loose the weight and am enthusiastic of the progress I can already see!


One step at a time, I will reach my goal :)

This Reminds Me ...

So, I'm gonna start off with a facebook post I made this morning.... actually no.. Let's go back to the very beginning with the first facebook post I made... then the follow up comments...   Then we'll move on to today's babble ... but this just reminds me...


Yesterday's Status on Facebook:   

So .. Doing a work out in 20 minute bits isn't gonna do a whole lot ... but it's not even 8 am and I'm about to start number three. Trying to make up for the fact that the weather is terrible .. so we won't be walking/jogging today.

Yes. You read that right .. I said jogging. And I'm actually enjoying it! My kid is a great motivator! I never once ever thought I would say that about jogging! (oka...y .. and what I'm doing right now isn't really jogging ... it's jogging for about a minute and a half then sputtering, choking and wheezing for the next 3 minutes till I fall to the ground, fairly sure I'm gonna have a heart attack....

But, minutes later I'm up & doing it again!! (used to take me a lot longer to get up ... then there was no way I was doing that again!)

There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of weight coming off, but I can see a difference in myself .. especially compared to a picture I have of me in December. And my clothes are fitting better... and best yet .. when I actually try to suck my gut in .. it Goes!! Not in far enough ... but it's at least trying again!

Yeah, I believe in celebrating the small things.

Happy Saturday My Friends!

Friend One: lol...good for you!

Friend Two: you make me laugh :) Good job my friend...keep it up!!

Me:Its frustrating not seeing that damn scale move!

It's worse cause my scale is screwed up .. and is like 8 or 7 .. or something pound heavier .. so every time I step on I'm still just over that 200 mark... which means I'm back to my 30lbs down
(lol I cheated for a few days .. and when I cheat .. I cheat to win! .. I eat EVERY FRICKING THING that doesn't looking it might put up a struggle!)

Anyway ..I figured out that's exactly why diets don't work for me. It was the same as when I was trying to quit smoking ... I couldn't 'cheat' and have just one... I cheated and smoked 5 times more than ever ... then finally admitted to starting again.
So..I just decided to not quit smoking. I just wouldn't have a cigarette until I REALLY needed it... but when the craving hit I'd just do this one little thing first ... then ... I started adding a lot of little things. Suddenly I realized I didn't need to smoke. I set my quit day after practicing that delay tactic over and over.

Worked. :)

I'm doing the same thing with dieting. I'm NOT dieting. I'm just not gonna have an ice cap this trip. I'm filling most of my plate with veggies, and having a sip of Randy's pop rather than a full can or more of my own.

I FEEL different. A lot of people have commented that I look different. But that damn scale will not pass that stupid 200 mark!

This all just reminded me of when I was a teenager.  Funny how that seems so long ago in some way, yet in others like yesterday.  weird.  Anyway. Back on topic it reminded me of stepping on the scales with my friends.  I was really big when I was young.. I went through puberty very young.. and was quite tall .. I'm 5'9 now,  and have usually been one of the tallest women in any situation.

Anyway... They all stepped on the scales and weighed like 98, 92, 103lbs .. something like that ... I step on the scale and I was 152!!!! Of that number, I am SURE!  lol   My friend who was 103 wasn't a small girl, she was quite a bit shorter than me and before I stepped on the scale, I'd thought she was a fair bit bigger than I was.  But I was almost FIFTY POUNDS MORE! 

Lol .. I had the same experience recently when talking with a friend who is trying to lose weight too.  She's doing a fantastic job working towards her goal, we can all see a big difference in her ... and while we're talking about what she's doing, she mentions that she doesn't wanna pass the 150 mark.

It felt like public school all over again!   She didn't mean anything by the comment, I know that!!  But for a spilt second there .. I'm reminded that right now I'm sitting 50lbs over her worst weight! Uggh ... how freakin fat am I ?!?!?

Then I remember why I haven't owned a scale since I lost all that weight 9 years ago...

**** After I had my second son 9 years ago I went up to 220lbs or so.   Within months I lost a HUGE amount of weight, I went down to about 105 which is a very unhealthy weight for me.  I can see that when I look at pictures from then.****


I can't look at my weight and feel good ever.  No one ever walks around bragging about being 150.  But when I don't look at the scale, I am not 150!   I am fitting into my favorite jeans and my tush looks good!  I'm not 150lbs ... I'm feeling and looking fit and confident.


I'm done with the scale!  ....well not done.. cause I can't help but wanna know ... lol... but I'm done feeling sad that the stupid red needle is blind to how much better I look and feel!


And this morning I took half naked pictures!  lol

My best friend worked very hard to loose weight this past couple years, and she sent me a pic of her in a couple swim suits, trying to pick one.  I could not believe the difference!!!  She was never super big ... but the difference is amazing ... I wish she had a before and after picture!

So I took my in the middle pic... I'm down about 30lbs, my goal feeling is in about 50 more.  I'm over a third of the way to my goal!  :)

Success Should Not Be Measured By Where You Are, But By How You Got There

No matter the distance we travel, we each take a different route and face different distractions along the way.  Be it a simple trip to the shopping mall where Person A drives and Person B (who lives next door) takes the bus. 

Person A gets in their car, puts on most favorite cd, adjusts the temperature to their perfect level.  Maybe gets stuck in traffic for a bit, might make a bluetooth phone call to a friend to see if they can go on a last minute shopping trip.  Otherwise uneventful trip.. typical of outings to the mall.

Person B however chats with the neighbour as she walks to the bus stop, the neighbor who because of these little chats now brings over cookies when she bakes too many... starts chatting with her son's friend's mom  while waiting and finds out he's been going to the construction site where he was told to stay out of... Over hears two people talking about this amazing new fabric cleaner  on the ride and thinks it would be perfect for where the cat threw up on the cushion in the middle of the night,  and the stain never came out so cushion is permanently flipped, sees a woman struggling with a stroller and a couple kids and bags when they arrive at her stop,  helps young mom unload and get settled before venturing into the mall.  Young mom never forgot that and when Person B applied for a job when Young Mom worked, she went out of her way to make sure that Person B secured and enjoyed the position.


Person A arrived more quickly, stayed cleaner, more comfortable.

Person B took the long way .. came out with a little something from the bus seat on their pants, is too hot/cold from waiting for buses .... but ...also found out what her son has been up to, was able to clean the impossible cat puke stain, got a job she didn't even know she was looking for (or that she had secured it that day!) and will get cookies cause of it! 



I mean .. who doesn't love cookies?? 

Some people have a lot of help in their life.  They are blessed with big families who help them at every stage they can.   When they go back to work after having kids, they have family to watch their baby at a fraction of the price, they have people that can help pick up and drop off for soccer, hockey and bowling practices.  Advice is always available, and when you do make a mistake ... family is there to help.  When family upgrades appliances etc, the old, but still good ones are gifted to family or sold at an exceptionally fair price.  When finances get a little tight as they learn to budget these people have someone they can borrow off, or who occasionally will buy something they know their family  member Person A needs, just cause that's what families do.  :)  Person A drives to the mall. 

Some people don't have a lot of help, and have things happen that out of their hands.  
They try hard and always look for new ways to be better.  But they take the bus to the mall.
Going back to work after having a baby feels ridiculous, because of the cost of childcare, and making it there, and finding people to drive different kids to different practices is difficult.  When unsure of what to do, they're asking people their age or younger with as much or less experience.. and when a mistake is made, sometimes it feels like theres no way to fix it.  Not much gets given .. Person B watches person A get household items for free or next to nothing, and waits for it to go on sale to get for their family.  When the budget gets messed up for whatever reason life throws at, there no one to ask for help, which spirals into more debt.  Person B takes the bus.

As different as they are .. Person A & Person B are the same in so many ways too... I mean they were going to the same place!  We all ... we all just wanna make it to happiness! 
They both want to feel like they belong somewhere, have partners who value and make them feel wanted, they want friends they can trust and to give their children a happy life where they are loved, nurtured and can learn to be their best.  They both want happiness.

No matter what road your on, or who you're riding with you're gonna have a different experience, it's important to remember that not everyone has had the same trip, and you never know when you'll have to take a detour down a road you never new existed cause of circumstance you could never have imagined.

Wishing you all a safe trip, no matter which route you're on right now.  :)

Laziness Theory ~ Number One

I've always thought I'm extremely lazy.  I mean, I'm surrounded by busy people, and I never get anything done.  I don't feel like I have time for hobbies .. and I'm not even working outside the home.

I've talked to other people who feel the same way, with and without children, with and without careers.  But in this last week I've been making a lot of lists and going through them and it's made me question just how lazy I am/we are.  Wondering if anyone else out there can relate?

I'm gonna pick on Randy here for a bit ... cause .. well .. he's just so damn easy to pick on!  Plus he doesn't read this .. I don't even know if he realizes I write in it cause it's so rare.. so I can probably get away with it.  :P

Randy is a busy guy, not lazy at all, his parents instilled in him a very strong need to be busy/need to help out when I can value in him.  (They've instilled in his sisters very similar traits that come out in different ways)   It's a good trait to have, and one that I've feared that I'm missing.  Until this week.


I come home, from whatever it is I've been doing and I can go through the house and make a list of exactly what my super busy boyfriend has been up to, often I can tell in what order and how long even by the amount of stuff that is out of place.

He's got a million jobs on the go (none finished), and is like a hurricane between them all.  So I start cleaning up and 20 minutes later when he comes in I'm standing in the middle of the now clean kitchen trying to decide what to make for dinner and I get this raised eyebrow look and a "Dinner isn't cooking yet?  I kinda need your help"

But I don't think about the 20 minutes I just spent cleaning up after him and his indoor projects that he's gonna finish later (I fill a diaper box full of tools/materials a week from cleaning up these projects before the baby gets them.)   And I rush out the door to help him, only to find that he's not actually working on the truck like he said, or the camper that he was doing earlier or the garage that is next on his list (for that day ... he has no concept of time either lol)  He's at the neighbor's helping or at least talking about whatever project the neighbor has on the go.  Then since he's there he borrows the lawn mower and tells me to wait just a sec while he cuts the lawn, we have a small yard.. I wait.. stir dinner... come out and hes done.  Just gonna take lawn mower back!  So I wait... and wait.. then hear the lawn mower fire up.  Then come in finish and plate dinner when randy comes home from mowing the neighbor's lawn and says:  "Dinner? Umm I was kinda hoping you'd help me with the truck before dinner cause I can't drive it to work tomorrow"  So outside I go, but of course he doesn't have the tools ready, so I wait, then he's gotta do this one job before I can help with that job... so I wait.  Finally, 20 minutes later I help for 30 seconds with my job and we go in to eat.  While eating the neighbour calls him out to borrow something .. he'll be back to eat the rest of his dinner in just a minute, but while out there with the neighbour another friend says he'll be stopping by cause he's bored ... so I clean up again to find out that he's gonna go pick up something with the first neighbour and will be back in an hour to help out the third friend.

So I end up picking up the crap from the 5 outside projects he started, but didn't finish.

And That afternoon I didn't get a single thing of my own done!

Scheme of the Week

Usually it's Randy who has these "schemes of the week" .. in fact he often has them daily rather than weekly.  He's one of those guys who is just always looking for a new project to start, or a new way to make money ... usually they are finished before they even begin, but that doesn't stop him from  making new plans all the time.

I have some myself ... like this blog, or a new workout routine, playgroups etc.  But most of mine are related to self-improvement rather than money making.  Over the last week or so, I've been scheming for a new income generating project that I'll be excited to actually announce in the next couple weeks, should I decide that it is something I'll follow through with.

There's been little to tell around here since my last post.  I'll be opening Teachable Moments childcare on (hopefully), June 1st and there's been a lot of preparations to be done to be ready.  The biggest of which is landscaping the backyard.   We recently gave away our two very large dogs.  They were too big to fit in our small house, so they spent most of their time in the backyard and because we didn't walk them nearly enough they were bored and took to digging.  We've ordered topsoil, and it was delivered the same day we had a tornado warning, and today it's rained/hailed off and on all day, so we'll be spending the weekend lugging the soil to the back ... then next week laying sod, setting up the swing set etc.

The amount of work to be done is intimidating!  But will be worth it in the end, I'm excited to have a useable backyard again that the kids can enjoy.  :)

Years later ... Same Sick Feeling Still There

I was sued in Superior Court in 2010, just days before I moved 5 hours away. 
Shortly after moving a found out that I was expecting and would be unable to make the trips required to court, so I was forced to retain a lawyer, and have not heard from him since January 2011.

Calling costs $50-$75, just to have him or his assistant review the message, but today I just couldn't stop myself from calling to check the status of the lawsuit. 

And now I as I wait for the response, that horrible sick feeling I had from dealing with the plaintiff has completely returned. 

Without going into great detail (cause lets face it, the only people reading this already know what happened), let me just explain that the person suing me was a former neighbour.  Living next to her was a constant source of overwhelming fear that I faced everyday.  It was to the point that I had trouble leaving my home because of that fear and as I was on the phone today with the lawyer's assistant, it all came back in a rushing wave.

Almost 2 years later, almost 3 of not seeing the neighbour, and the anxiety and fear feels just as fresh as it did while in the midst of the horrible things she did.

When we went to criminal court on charges against her, I told the crown attorney that I didn't care what happened, I wasn't pushing for her to go to jail or anything, I just wanted her out of my life.  I just never wanted to feel that same horrible feeling again.

Two weeks later we were back in criminal court defending ourselves on charges she brought against us, and she pushed as hard as she could to try to ensure that we be punished to the full extent the law would allow.  She took the stand was not only unable to substantiate any of her claims, but was caught in multiple lies.  The judge gave her a stern warning that if the case was to continue that she would be in danger of being charged with perjury.  Yet, she kept going, still wanting to convince everyone of our wrong doing.  The judge and crown stopped the trial and immediately dismissed all charges.

I thought that would be the end of it.  I wish that had been the end of it.  Then months later, this lawsuit for $100 000 was filed against me, and almost two years later she is still in my life, still making me feel anxious and scared.  

It's just not right.

I really hope this is over soon.

Weather Vs. Motivation

So this morning, I was all excited to hit the gym.  Baby is packed and I'm ready to go ... till I start to walk out the door and it's freaking snowing!  Seriously?!?!   

Yesterday I went into town, having dressed my 1 year old in a snowsuit (it wasn't quite cold enough for a snowsuit even when I left .. but it was -2 C and she looks so darn cute in it ....)  By the time I finished shopping I was carrying her around in just her jogging suit (only from the car to where I was going) And I was sweating in just a long sleeved shirt and super light spring jacket.

I went out this morning, and it was very mild out .. which is what got me all motivated. 
But now .. I'm sitting here blogging and planning my day without the gym in it.  With my son's birthday party this Saturday, I've really got a lot to do to prepare, and didn't really have time to go to the gym anyway, so wasn't hard to talk myself out of it.

Does this happen to anyone else?  Snow, rain or just cold ever keep you from doing what you wanted to?

Uggh .. it's the end of April .. I hope very soon the end of snow!